Tips for Parents from Parents…
by Elaine Bergstrom
Take a moment to sit back and think about your own childhood memories of the holidays. Chances are you've forgotten most if not all of the gifts you received. Instead you're likely to recall the mood of the holidays, if they were hectic or laid back, filled with family arguments or family joy. These memories are so potent that they affect how adults view the holidays as well. We all know someone who had trouble getting into holiday shopping, festivities, or even attending church services because memories of past holidays are so oppressively painful.
Parents can assure that their children have a low stress holiday season, and happy childhood memories, by setting an even pace through the hectic weeks, spending time with their children, establishing holiday traditions that emphasize the true meaning of the season, and understanding that the age of their children has a lot to do with the type of stress they'll experience.
Stress in infants and toddlers
Most kids under 4 years old won't have the same happy reaction to Santa as even their slightly older siblings. While a 5-year-old may squeal with delight at the sight of Santa, younger children and infants are just as likely to shriek in terror when pushed toward the lap of the odd-looking stranger. And that beautiful Christmas tree is just another something they aren't allowed to touch.
The reason is obvious: Small children don't have the memories of holidays past to draw on. Instead, they react to their parents' moods. But even if you're doing your best to minimize your own stress levels all the shifts in routine are stressful for them. Here are some tips to help them have a happy holiday.
Minimize stress at holiday gatherings. If you've been invited to an evening party and are taking your younger children along, ask if there's a quiet room where you can lay them down. Pack their pajamas, or save yourself time and take the children to the party already dressed in their PJs. Include some toys they like to play with and favorite bedtime toys as well. If there isn't a place for them to sleep and your children are light sleepers, consider declining the invitation, leaving the party early or getting a sitter for the evening. Another innovative idea: If a party is nearby, parents can split their time at the event, one attending early and the other later.
Be sure they eat healthy, and get a chance to burn off steam. If ever there was a time of year when parents can be excused for dumping the little ones in front of the TV and letting Big Bird or Bob the Builder amuse them, this is the season. But kids need exercise, too, especially when vacation break starts during that final hectic countdown to the holidays. The reasons are not merely for long-term health, but to allow kids to work off some of the excitement they feel around the holidays. Fresh air and exercise will also tire them out so they'll keep the same sleep schedules, and sleep soundly when they do.
A drive-through is fine for an occasional burger and fries but eating healthy is not only about nutrition. Meal time should be family time. When families take the time to sit down at the table together, it can be a great de-stressor for everyone, and a perfect time to include children in the discussion of holiday plans.
If you must "shop till you drop," do it alone. Next time you're at the mall or in a crowded grocery store, stop and listen. Along with holiday carols you'll likely hear the sobbing and furious wails of stressed-out little ones and parents' angry voices rising to meet their challenge. Then imagine yourself with a gift list stretching from hand to elbow and a cranky kid in tow and you'll know instinctively that malls and small children do not make for happy holiday memories.
Of course, you want your 4-year-old to visit Santa and see all the pretty holiday decorations, but that doesn't mean children have to be part of the total shopping experience. Far better to take small children to the mall on weekdays, if possible, then do the bulk of the shopping alone. If there is no other family member to watch a small child, phone other parents with young children and start a holiday sitting co-op (they will bless you). If all of this is impossible, make a number of short shopping trips rather than a single long one and try to shop when the malls are less crowded.
Stress in older children
Establish happy, meaningful memories. In the Ozarks there is a phrase called "making a memory." This means pausing to study an event and store it in the mind to be retrieved and savored later. We all "make memories" of holiday seasons - good and bad - and this is something parents should keep in mind when dealing with their children. Yes, it's easier for a frenzied baker to say, "Leave me alone now. I'm busy!" But children old enough to push a rolling pin or use a cookie cutter or a frosting knife will relish the memory of the time you spend showing them how to bake. Besides, some day they'll have children of their own and want to make those favorite recipes from their childhood. Teach them.
Out-of-kitchen ideas would include letting the kids help decorate the bushes outside or put up the holiday tree. They can make special ornaments or spray flocking on the windows. Adolescents - who actually seem to ENJOY spending time at holiday malls - could be enlisted to buy gifts for family and friends especially if you let them choose the people they will shop for. An older child could also be asked to take younger siblings on a shopping trip to buy gifts.
Share major decisions with them. In addition, if financial problems are forcing your family to cut back on presents or cancel the expensive yearly trip to celebrate with family, include your older children in the discussion. It helps to explain to older children why things will be different (most of them likely already know) then ask them to trim their gift list to three or four things they really want, preferably gifts within the family budget. For those families who have to break with the tradition of a holiday trip home, enlist children's aid in creating new traditions to replace the missing one. This could be something as simple as calling the rest of the family and having the children sing carols to them, sending handmade cards or homemade cookies, or taking a night to drive around and look at holiday lights.
Encourage them to talk about disappointments. The greatest holiday stress comes to children who suffered great loss in the previous year. Perhaps a parent or beloved grandparent died, or parents were divorced. Grieving children look at holidays past with longing. Children of divorced parents sometimes think their parents will reconcile. These children should be encouraged to talk about their feelings and parents or caregivers should listen with an open heart. And though it is difficult, divorced parents should try their best to put aside animosity for the sake of their children, to help children concentrate on the positive and to be patient when children act out or show anger.
Add meaningful holiday traditions to your celebration. Parents often complain that the holidays have become too commercial, but the way to change that is to de-commercialize your family first. Take some of those home made cookies to the local food pantry or homeless shelter, shovel the walks for some of the older residents on your block, volunteer for the holiday choir at church. Make a point, too, of tuning into special programming that celebrates the true meaning of the season and take the time to watch the programs together as a family.
And finally, relax together. Plan some special "down time nights" - pop some popcorn and play some games or plug in a movie the whole family can enjoy. The holidays are not just added work; they're also a time to laugh and enjoy the company of loved ones.
We invite you to share your ideas on how to reduce stress in children.
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