Cancer and Your Family and Friends

Posted: March 1, 2004

One aspect of cancer that’s especially challenging is realizing how much cancer will change your life and the lives of people around you.

Your routines may be messed up.
Roles and duties may change.
Relationships can be strained or strengthened.
Dealing with money and insurance can cause problems.
You may need to live with someone else for a while.
You may need help with chores and errands.

Most people find that if they, their friends, and family talk about the cancer and how it makes them feel, they feel closer to each other.

Families are not all alike. Your family may include a spouse (husband or wife), children, and parents. Or maybe you think of your partner or close friends as your family.

Cancer affects the whole family, not just the person with the disease. How are the people in your family dealing with your cancer? Maybe they are afraid or angry, just like you.

When you first find out you have cancer and are going through treatments, day-to-day routines may change for everyone. For example, someone in your family may need to take time off work to drive you to treatments. You may need help with chores and errands.

How your family reacts to your cancer may depend a lot on how you've faced hard times in the past.
Some families find it easy to talk about cancer. They may easily share their feelings about the changes that cancer brings to their lives. Other families find it harder to talk about cancer. The people in these families may be used to solving problems alone and not want to talk about their feelings.

What children of all ages need to know:

About cancer

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• Nothing your child did, thought, or said caused you to get cancer.
• You can't catch cancer from another person. Just because you have cancer does not mean that others in your family will get it, too.
• Just because you have cancer does not mean you will die from it. In fact, many people live with cancer for a long time.
• Scientists are finding many new ways to treat cancer.

About living with cancer in the family
Tell your children:

• They can help you by doing nice things like washing dishes or drawing you a picture.
• They should still go to school and take part in sports and other fun activities.
• They can talk to other adults such as teachers, family members, and religious leaders.
• Your child is not alone. Other children have parents who have cancer.
• It is okay to be upset, angry, or scared about the illness.
• Your child can't do anything to change the fact that you have cancer.
• Family members and friends may act differently because they are worried about you.
• You will make sure that your children are taken care of, no matter what happens to you.

Friends
You can help your friends cope with the news by letting them help you in some way. Think about the things your friends do well and don't mind doing. Make a list of things you think you might need. This way, when they ask you how they can be of help, you'll be able to share your list of needs and allow them to pick something they're willing to do.

Sample list of need:

• Baby-sit on days that I go to treatment.
• Prepare frozen meals for my "down days."
• Put my name on the prayer list at my place of worship.
• Bring me a few books from the library when you go.
• Visit for tea or coffee when you can.
• Let others know that it is all right to call or visit me (or let others know that I'm not ready for visitors just yet).

Source: National Cancer Institute

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